Could you tell me what you think of my poem?

"Mayflower Rider"





Feeling like I'm about to hurl, on a wavy ship...


Roll away chronic pains; aroma cures, curls my lip.


My ship, the MayFlower, was rather stoned;


Plymouth was rocking, away from a throne's bollocking.





Their minds, entranced, were alarmed by howls advancing;


Frightened creatures, saw nothing but a camp-fire dancing.


An arrow struck one; the frightened whites, then used their guns.


Playing "Cowboys and Indians", was a game which was far from fun.











War and fighting inevitably bring deaths which are unnecessary.


Many bodies and grave-sites form for both sides of fights.


When in war, it is no longer a time for the Rights %26amp; Wrongs;


It becomes a wrong time - it's a a time for stop-fighting songs.

Could you tell me what you think of my poem?
Do you you know what some of your strong suits are? I'll tell you (and pretend you asked).





1. You have a great imagination. You excel at portraying your characters believably (if cryptically); be it a star, god, sailor, etc.





2. You have entertainment value. Some people think that's a bad thing in poetry, and it can be for some people. If you forget who you are and write just for others it can be. But I get a sense that you write not only what you want to write but what you want to read as well. You write not just as a poet but as a fan as poetry and that's refreshing.





3. Your subjects are well researched and vary greatly. You don't get stuck in a rut because you are so versatile. Not only do you broach a variety of subjects but you do so with each so very intimately.





So, Kudos. I liked it very much.
Reply:WORKS FOR ME, and one of "mine" was on the second BOAT to cross.





No REAL offense to any who deem themselves so TECHNICAL, but geez, lighten up and look at YER own submissions.





As answer two alludes to, BRUSH OFF the slings and arrows, DAMN the Torpedos, FULL steam ahead.





I post here. I respond here, often irreverently, but I've been in this "game" a very long time, and offer this analogy. BTW, this is very much an EGO GAME.





"In Theater, the audience may throw flowers, ot tomatoes, as the ARTIST exists Stage Left, happy with Their performance. What is left behind may ROT anyway."





Steven Wolf


just my two "sense"
Reply:thank you for sharing your poem with us, Cleavland. i thought it was very nice. ##################
Reply:Odd comes to mind actually, I feel like the messaage conveyed is one of innocence lost, however your phrasing is completley subjegated, use more concise wording!!! Well done though, great emotion.
Reply:Good analogy for an inner-strife which begs a larger 'war'. Fight it and you will find the words. 'Light' is my first impression, give it weight. Just my 2p worth.
Reply:sorry try again. i do not get all of the effusive praise. The first two lines of the second stanza could go somewhere, but this needs work.
Reply:Some helping verbs, e.g., is, was, were can be deleted to make it sound like poetry. their presence somehow makes the think sound like prose.
Reply:It's nice.


You can go far with your writing don't let nay one stop you.





Have a good day,


Silent
Reply:how can you go from sea sickness to fighting a war?

Chemicals